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Tales from the Wif Tales from the Wif Tales from the Wif
Back to Suedomsa the Magazine Main page selection   View the Summer 1998 Cover   go to page 1   go to page 2   page 3   go to page 4   visit www.ayrx.com
Original Publication Information:
Suedomsa the Magazine  Summer 1998  Special Edition
Presents Tales From the Wif Kiss of Life part one by Andy Marx
They are three guys sharing an apartment, nicknamed the Wif. They are Lang, Dodge and Kip. Unfortunately, three guys living in an apartment together invites trouble. I'm not talking the kind of problems that arise from not cleaning the bathroom after a month. I'm talking vampires and mysterious disappearances and bounty hunters arriving on your doorstep to collect "the power." Guys like adventure, don't get me wrong, but assault after assault of the most insidious, defiling nature in their apartment is more along the lines of what we're talking here. It gets a little tiring.
Girls and kisses.
You ever have one of those weeks that starts bad and ends up with you hanging upside down in a musty dungeon, suspended by two chains twined around each leg past the knees? Lang is having just one of those weeks.
Hanging upside down, besides slowly killing any feeling in every part of his body, say, from the ankles up, also gives him a lot of time to think about how crappy his week was.
At 8:30 Monday, his physics teacher assigned a minor math problem that upon closer examination, caused major theoretical trouble for the class. Lang's girlfriend, Sara, met him for lunch that day to talk about dread committment. His mother called because his collie died and they had bought a standard poodle named Fletch, two weeks ago. Work asked him to stay late, he got a hole in his pants that was unsewable. Rain spotted his car, he stepped in shit, a customer yelled at him. His ass was bleeding slightly and he couldn't decide what was wrong much less what to do about it. He sat on his glasses. Drove to the post office to mail a package on a holiday, snapped his favorite CD in two trying to get it out of the case. Sara made him watch Like Water for Chocolate "trying to tell him something". Dodge came down with a fat case of diarhhea and farting and the whole apartment had pockets of gas that one could barely stumble away from before passing out. Kip brings home some vampire girl. Dodge apparently comes close to burning down the house. The apartment is sieged by vamp girl's vampire boyfriends - buff and adorned in spikes. And the worst thing is that he is hanging upside down, far from his apartment where his girlfriend is going to show up seriously soon. If Lang isn't there, there will be issues.
"Sara's gonna kill me."
Kip was shackled below Lang. Kip's body is stretched out in a Jesus pose on a rack. Dodge, their other roommate, was thrown in a cage. His hefty bulk doesn't quite fit and he is sitting at an awkward cramping angle.
Kip says, "Maybe we should concentrate on getting out?"
"Has all the blood rushed to your head?" Dodge asked Lang conversationally.
"Speaking of blood, Kip, that little vampire chick is the reason we're all here. Care to guess what they are going to do with us when they get back?"
Kip changes the subject. "Who feels the least restrained?"
"Oh yes, Lang," Lang says, "They will suck your blood first because it will all have rushed to your head. Like a convenient carrying case."
"In any case," Kip says, "they aren't real vampires."
Dodge says, "They suck blood, don't they?"
"We really should get out of here, before they get back. I mean, you got to meet Sara and all."
Lang shakes his head. "Oh shit, yes. I think I can reach my legs if I pull myself up a little. But I'm not sure how they bound me. I may not have the strength to do anything."
"Dodge?"
"Well, I'm not chained like you two, but this cage limits my mobility. Besides which, I think the bottom is the side that opens."
"Well," Kip says, "my limbs are stretched pretty tight but I can lift my head and wiggle my toes."
Lang says, "It's amazing they didn't ask you to join the circus earlier." He coughed. He grabbed his pant pockets and pulled himself slowly up. At least this situation was easier to bear than Sara talking about marriage again. He could only handle so much of that. Of course, after tonight, she probably wouldn't have much sympathy for him. With his right hand, he reached for his knee. It convulsed a little but held. His other hand grasped the other knee. He cursed. "Kip, what the fuck did you do to make this chick kidnap us?"
"All we did is kiss."
"That must have been some kiss," Dodge said dryly.
Lang cursed again. Girls. Kisses. Nothing was ever easy. Lately, life was getting more complicated. All because of girls and kisses.